''Family" ...

Saw the movie ''English Vinglish'',a couple of days back..... 

Powerful performance ... poignant exploration of human vulnerabilities and a valiant struggle to overcome the same.

What  got the thought process set in motion was - the protagonist towards the end, in a toast that she raises to her newly married niece and her husband, brings forth a very hard hitting  point - a family is a place  where you can be sure that your weaknesses would not be thrown in your face... where everybody would help you to overcome them...and become equal,to other members of the family.

Her frame of reference was specifically what she had experienced,and her angst was coming from the feeling of  'you are lesser than us''....being directed  at her from her daughter and husband- because she was a simple, rather timid, under confident house wife ;who did not know how to speak English or who would cringe in embarrassment  on a PDA from her  husband.

Coming back to what this ''under 5 minute shot'' set me thinking on- FAMILY.

For almost all of us, this is the most fundamental,most influential, often most important social unit in our lives and is often the determining factor - whether we would emerge as happy, confident,self- reliant,  mature citizens of the world or we would turn out to be society misfits - unhappy with ourselves,forever blaming, disgruntled, angry with life and angry with all...

And how many of us, are actually blessed with, a functional normal family ?? How many of us actually have the satisfaction that there is a family for us , a family who will stand by us no matter what, a unit where the relationship will not be a ''socially polite jesture",but would actually mean something, where inspite of differences in opinion, differences of heart would not emerge?

Quite a few of us I beleive - and that is what is keeping the world intact. Inspite of the tremendous socio-economic changes which the Indian society has witnessed over the span of the last 35-40 years-nuclear families, feeble family structures, individualism, openness of expression, changing role of women in society, unashamed ambition, apathy towards the aged - the FAMILY as we have known or expected it to be ... lives...
albeit not as  healthy and happy as we would have wished it to               

If it's a HE- he is an ALPHA male, if it's a SHE -OMG...How could she!!!!

The media these days seems to be cashing in on the frenzy, intrigue and sense of ''who-dunnit"- surrounding the Sheena Bora disappearance/murder case.

The matter is still under investigation, and some competent investigation - at that, considering that the investigations are being spearheaded by none other than the police chief of Mumbai. 

Whatever may be the legal aspects of the case- motive, presence of a dead body which has been proved inconclusively to be that of Sheena, the weapon, and the murderer- it is actually the social ramifications that are of more interest.

A few days back, was hearing a round panel discussion on this topic anchored by Barkha Dutt.I am sure,not by design though- but towards the end of the discussion,there was an aspect which she brought up - are we more appalled and righteous because in this case it was a woman who was harboring - unbridled, unashamed unapologetic ambition ????? 

And that set off this chain of thoughts: 

Why we,  as a society at large, are so non-accepting of a few traits in women - when we actually admire, respect and even envy these very traits in men..... 

Ambition - for large amounts of money, being at top in one's chosen field of career/ interest, for the good things in life - would be viewed as desirable ALPHA MALE characteristics in a male. These would be signs that the person has success on his mind, is focused, is driven, is the master of his own destiny, is a leader, is a creator.....He has a purpose in his life. All in all these fit in very well with the most accepted and desirable  image of an ALPHA MALE.  

Turn the other side of the coin....

If the same personality traits are to be found in a female- she becomes a gold-digger, manipulative b...., one who has no heart....she defies being a woman.... what kind of a woman would kill her own daughter, her own child - so ruthlessly ???... the aghast,dismayed panelists asked - wide eyed and suitably horrified   

I mean how could Indrani Mukerjea be so callous, so heartless,so cold blooded as to orchestrate the murder of her own daughter???

We all ask in our self-righteous avataars...

Change of scene ... A regular middle class family in a town or a village in India. The man is only/major bread earner, he has children - all daughters, and the lady of the house is expecting. Limited means - small land or a low-paying job , substantial debt, a desire for more money and more comforts, a desire for a son to carry on the family name, extreme frustration .....Throw in a non-so liberal , not so educated mother-in law....

A very very  prevalent circumstance... which more often than not ...results in a DEFINITE MURDER...decreed  by the man ..even before the infant takes birth..

There is no justification - at all - on any grounds - for the act -  Taking the life of another human being . By the same yardstick - the motive behind the act - AMBITION; should be adjudged by the same yardstick - Ambition for more money OR ambition for a son - is AMBITION... In India at least....

So while we collectively take a stand on the morality and character of  Indrani Mukherjea; and derive a sense  of devilish pleasure in pronouncing  her as guilty of murder- before the appearance of unquestionable facts, before the investigations have ended on a firm note, before the law has taken its' course  - we choose to adopt a much more benign attitude towards men-of middle class India - who kill their ''still unborn daughters"; and torture their wives - day in and day out.

Is this plain simple hypocrisy, or are we so damn numbed by our cultural and social mores,and so skewed judgementally ....that ONE MURDER is fine with us, and the other leaves us shaken, aghast.... disturbed.      

Barkha, would we see an eminent panel, on the ''Buck Stops Here'', in which one man murderer is placed on the witness stand, and we attempt an insight into his psyche and the MOTIVE, for his action??? 

After all, both the cases are examples of MURDER IN MEDIA AGE.              

Can you or Can't you ...

The quintessential dilemma remains ...

Can a human being,chart the course of his/her own life ... or is everything preordained.... everything from the colour of the eyes, to the parents one gets born to , to who one marries.. or does not, to how much success ( or not) one would achieve in life, to the major work/ occupation/ offering of one's life....  to major life events- accidents, near fatal diseases, loss of loved ones ... to -when and how one  would experience the last moment of this journey.... 

Is everything contained in the protoplasmic DOT .. which emerges from the physical union of two humans - one's  parents...or does  this DOT, just contain what one needs to survive on a physiological level ... and one can actually determine the QUALITY of one's survival .

Is GOD a master strategist OR is he an enabler .... A control freak or a mild supervisor?? 
  
If everything is preordained why does GOD not oblige by sending a dossier to the human being ... this is in store,... this you will have to deal with ..., I will protect you .. but you have to go through the nasty stuff... This is how it is ...

Why does HE then not dissuade his creation - the human being - to stop adding insult to agony ... by trying to change the course of matters ..... .

Why is it that self will plays out predominantly only in case of crisis... Why is it that I cannot be more happy than I am ... I am not struggling.... I just want to be more happy...I know what would it take to make me more happy ..... 
Can I always create it .... not really !!! 

If we, HIS highest creation- are created in HIS image ... then we, by logic, should be able to do ALL as HE does... at least in principle .. if not in magnitude...I mean, I would be very thankful, grateful ...If I could decide the course of my life.....and would have no issues at all if HE would still want to take charge of the rest of the universe ... I am perfectly fine by this ....  

And if this..... COMPLETE FREE WILL  is pure, wishful thinking, then can GOD please own upto it ??.

Buddy, you got to do what I say you would do .... sulk, cry, stamp your feet... but that's the way things are...

It would be so much more peaceful, and decisive .. if it were to come from HIM...Rather than accepting somebody else's ( a fellow human being's at that ) viewpoint- who would tell you so ...
Other people's point of view - however logical...... can't be accepted as THE  final word.

I have read widely ,gone through the literature- which debates this dilemma ...and I am nowhere closer to  a decisive answer..... at best what I could understand is ... the broader horizon of the course is decided by HIM ... one can of course choose the road to the path..

I am going to pray for that DOSSIER, all right !!!         

Relationships

The most important ingredient we put into a relationship is not what we say or what we do, but what we are: Stephen R Covey
How true .. And what we 'are' shows up in every aspect of life : our work, our social conduct, our relationships, our pursuits, our passions ..
Had read somewhere that one never knows in advance the form of the relationship which develops between two human beings... , the form depends completely on the two individuals ... to me this is the closest and most palpable way of how soulmates are found....
Human life starts with labels of relationships which are to be honoured.... mother, father, sister, brother , grandparents .... goes on to labels of relationships which we wish to honour ...friends, wife, husband, children ... Somewhere while honouring all these relationships we start viewing ALL of them with definite labels, almost as if the ingredients of the relationship are printed on the label with the quantity and calorie value ....
What about those which do not have a label ... no form which society knows ... just between two human beings where each feels 'alive and human' in the other's presence ... where the chemical reaction resulting from the interaction of the two personalities truly transforms them , where each wants to be a better human being because of the other ...
These are the true relationships, totally deserving of the higher consciousnes of human beings... Let's seek them .

Authenticity

I recently had the oppurtunity to visit a couple, in Bangalore... a visit which left in me a deep abiding respect for the 'ordinariness' of the Indian middle class.

It was my first visit , took me a good 20 minutes to locate the house within a vicinity of one km. As I parked the car outside the gate, could see a lady on a kinetic honda scooter, with her son riding pavilion. Her son was back from school, guessing by his uniform and the heavy backpack on his back. She was the lady of the house, and since I was expected; she welcomed me in the house.

A modest abode, it was definitely a house lived in ... a house in which the inmates were a family ... in the true spirit. I was shown into a bedroom adjoining the living room. On the bed there was a gentleman sitting with a cap, a T-shirt, shorts, bandages on his legs , and a welcoming smile on his face. After the initial introductions, I was made comfortable .... chairs were drawn out into the bedroom.

After some time it struck me as 'odd' that the gentleman had not made any attempt to stand up to greet me ... and then let the thought pass ... as my fetish for properiety... We started talking and I asked the lady whether she was a homemaker, and she very matter of factly replied she used to run a boutique; now since her husband needed her attention she had closed the same down.

After a cup of tea, and some snacks the following emerged in the course of the conversation:

Two and a half years back the gentleman had met with an accident in which a car ran over his spinal cord. The cord was broken at 12 places... The doctors said that it would take anything betwen 18-24 months for his nerves to develop for him to be able to sit on the bed; and another year or so for his nerves to develop enough for him to take a few steps.....

After the initial operations, when he was discharged from the hospital, two people had to support him even if he wanted to change sides on the bed ... his back had to be supported by 6 large size pillows. His uncle stays in Bangalore ; and his parents came from Punjab to be with him. After some consultations and deliberations, he admitted himself in a naturopathy hospial in Mysore. His wife joined him, and nursed him. On finding that the diet at was not adequate, they arranged for provisions, some utensils and a cooking cylinder in the room itself.... and she cooked him good nutritious food. He made friends with the doctors at the clinic, and had almost free access to the physiotherapy rooms to exercise instead of the scheduled 2 hours daily. The kids were left in the care of the grandparents in Bangalore .....

6 months later, husband and wife came back from Mysore ... He could now sit on the bed for 6-8 hours without any pain .... the physiotherapist now started coming home and his care continued .... She nurses him, bathes him, takes care of his massages as prescribed by the physiotherapist, takes care of the children ....supported by her inlaws. They have rented a couple of rooms in the house to two software professionals who stay there as PG...and the maid just does the household chores.

He has some sensation in the legs and the doctors have told him that the nerves have developed to the extent of 20-25% .... he wants to walk without the aid of the walker in the next 6 months .... and is getting a special 3 wheeler constructed with a back rest ... wants to drive in Bangalore in the next year .... manages his 15 year old business of hardware supplies in South India, primarily on phone and in partnership with his uncle.

He says he could do it only by her support and by God's grace, and she just smiles ... with both love and tears in her eyes... No airs, no self-pity, no vanity ....

These people are simple, middle class people... no fancy degrees, not much sophistication in approach or mannerisms ... but they have an understanding of 'living life' and ' meaning of relationships' which no degree .. no book would impart... and certainly would not be a Page 3 column

I left them deeply humbled and deeply disturbed by the shallowness of some aspects of the 'upwardly mobile' lifestyles.....

Creativity

2nd August 2009, Prague, Czech Republic
I have spent a good part of the day visiting and enjoying the world famous Prague Castle. One of the biggest castles in the world( according to the Guinness Book of records, the biggest ancient castle in the world), it is about 570 metres in length and about 130 cms wide.It represents just about every architectural style of the last millenium.
Magnificient ... majestic ...
What struck me was the sheer intensity of creativity ... of architectects, landscapers, builders et all ... set me thinking ... What does it take to achieve a feat of this order ....an inordinate amout of genius, hard work, transcendental help, universe lining upto to help you ... what ... ???
The question persisted on my way back and then some...
Almost as if the answer walked up confidently to the question, in this case ... I received from a friend a link
http://www.ted.com/talks/elizabeth_gilbert_on_genius.html

Enjoy,
Cheers,
Anju

Relationships

I read recently 'Relationships are spiritual experiences and not a needs exchange' .... set me thinking how many Indian marriages would survive the litmus test .... why consider only arranged marriages, how many Indian parent-son relationships where the parents crave for a son who can look after them in their old age ... would survive the test ...

By no means a serious student of human relationships; however; am a keen observer of human behaviour .... and the above read set me on to some serious thinking.