''Family" ...

Saw the movie ''English Vinglish'',a couple of days back..... 

Powerful performance ... poignant exploration of human vulnerabilities and a valiant struggle to overcome the same.

What  got the thought process set in motion was - the protagonist towards the end, in a toast that she raises to her newly married niece and her husband, brings forth a very hard hitting  point - a family is a place  where you can be sure that your weaknesses would not be thrown in your face... where everybody would help you to overcome them...and become equal,to other members of the family.

Her frame of reference was specifically what she had experienced,and her angst was coming from the feeling of  'you are lesser than us''....being directed  at her from her daughter and husband- because she was a simple, rather timid, under confident house wife ;who did not know how to speak English or who would cringe in embarrassment  on a PDA from her  husband.

Coming back to what this ''under 5 minute shot'' set me thinking on- FAMILY.

For almost all of us, this is the most fundamental,most influential, often most important social unit in our lives and is often the determining factor - whether we would emerge as happy, confident,self- reliant,  mature citizens of the world or we would turn out to be society misfits - unhappy with ourselves,forever blaming, disgruntled, angry with life and angry with all...

And how many of us, are actually blessed with, a functional normal family ?? How many of us actually have the satisfaction that there is a family for us , a family who will stand by us no matter what, a unit where the relationship will not be a ''socially polite jesture",but would actually mean something, where inspite of differences in opinion, differences of heart would not emerge?

Quite a few of us I beleive - and that is what is keeping the world intact. Inspite of the tremendous socio-economic changes which the Indian society has witnessed over the span of the last 35-40 years-nuclear families, feeble family structures, individualism, openness of expression, changing role of women in society, unashamed ambition, apathy towards the aged - the FAMILY as we have known or expected it to be ... lives...
albeit not as  healthy and happy as we would have wished it to               

If it's a HE- he is an ALPHA male, if it's a SHE -OMG...How could she!!!!

The media these days seems to be cashing in on the frenzy, intrigue and sense of ''who-dunnit"- surrounding the Sheena Bora disappearance/murder case.

The matter is still under investigation, and some competent investigation - at that, considering that the investigations are being spearheaded by none other than the police chief of Mumbai. 

Whatever may be the legal aspects of the case- motive, presence of a dead body which has been proved inconclusively to be that of Sheena, the weapon, and the murderer- it is actually the social ramifications that are of more interest.

A few days back, was hearing a round panel discussion on this topic anchored by Barkha Dutt.I am sure,not by design though- but towards the end of the discussion,there was an aspect which she brought up - are we more appalled and righteous because in this case it was a woman who was harboring - unbridled, unashamed unapologetic ambition ????? 

And that set off this chain of thoughts: 

Why we,  as a society at large, are so non-accepting of a few traits in women - when we actually admire, respect and even envy these very traits in men..... 

Ambition - for large amounts of money, being at top in one's chosen field of career/ interest, for the good things in life - would be viewed as desirable ALPHA MALE characteristics in a male. These would be signs that the person has success on his mind, is focused, is driven, is the master of his own destiny, is a leader, is a creator.....He has a purpose in his life. All in all these fit in very well with the most accepted and desirable  image of an ALPHA MALE.  

Turn the other side of the coin....

If the same personality traits are to be found in a female- she becomes a gold-digger, manipulative b...., one who has no heart....she defies being a woman.... what kind of a woman would kill her own daughter, her own child - so ruthlessly ???... the aghast,dismayed panelists asked - wide eyed and suitably horrified   

I mean how could Indrani Mukerjea be so callous, so heartless,so cold blooded as to orchestrate the murder of her own daughter???

We all ask in our self-righteous avataars...

Change of scene ... A regular middle class family in a town or a village in India. The man is only/major bread earner, he has children - all daughters, and the lady of the house is expecting. Limited means - small land or a low-paying job , substantial debt, a desire for more money and more comforts, a desire for a son to carry on the family name, extreme frustration .....Throw in a non-so liberal , not so educated mother-in law....

A very very  prevalent circumstance... which more often than not ...results in a DEFINITE MURDER...decreed  by the man ..even before the infant takes birth..

There is no justification - at all - on any grounds - for the act -  Taking the life of another human being . By the same yardstick - the motive behind the act - AMBITION; should be adjudged by the same yardstick - Ambition for more money OR ambition for a son - is AMBITION... In India at least....

So while we collectively take a stand on the morality and character of  Indrani Mukherjea; and derive a sense  of devilish pleasure in pronouncing  her as guilty of murder- before the appearance of unquestionable facts, before the investigations have ended on a firm note, before the law has taken its' course  - we choose to adopt a much more benign attitude towards men-of middle class India - who kill their ''still unborn daughters"; and torture their wives - day in and day out.

Is this plain simple hypocrisy, or are we so damn numbed by our cultural and social mores,and so skewed judgementally ....that ONE MURDER is fine with us, and the other leaves us shaken, aghast.... disturbed.      

Barkha, would we see an eminent panel, on the ''Buck Stops Here'', in which one man murderer is placed on the witness stand, and we attempt an insight into his psyche and the MOTIVE, for his action??? 

After all, both the cases are examples of MURDER IN MEDIA AGE.              

Can you or Can't you ...

The quintessential dilemma remains ...

Can a human being,chart the course of his/her own life ... or is everything preordained.... everything from the colour of the eyes, to the parents one gets born to , to who one marries.. or does not, to how much success ( or not) one would achieve in life, to the major work/ occupation/ offering of one's life....  to major life events- accidents, near fatal diseases, loss of loved ones ... to -when and how one  would experience the last moment of this journey.... 

Is everything contained in the protoplasmic DOT .. which emerges from the physical union of two humans - one's  parents...or does  this DOT, just contain what one needs to survive on a physiological level ... and one can actually determine the QUALITY of one's survival .

Is GOD a master strategist OR is he an enabler .... A control freak or a mild supervisor?? 
  
If everything is preordained why does GOD not oblige by sending a dossier to the human being ... this is in store,... this you will have to deal with ..., I will protect you .. but you have to go through the nasty stuff... This is how it is ...

Why does HE then not dissuade his creation - the human being - to stop adding insult to agony ... by trying to change the course of matters ..... .

Why is it that self will plays out predominantly only in case of crisis... Why is it that I cannot be more happy than I am ... I am not struggling.... I just want to be more happy...I know what would it take to make me more happy ..... 
Can I always create it .... not really !!! 

If we, HIS highest creation- are created in HIS image ... then we, by logic, should be able to do ALL as HE does... at least in principle .. if not in magnitude...I mean, I would be very thankful, grateful ...If I could decide the course of my life.....and would have no issues at all if HE would still want to take charge of the rest of the universe ... I am perfectly fine by this ....  

And if this..... COMPLETE FREE WILL  is pure, wishful thinking, then can GOD please own upto it ??.

Buddy, you got to do what I say you would do .... sulk, cry, stamp your feet... but that's the way things are...

It would be so much more peaceful, and decisive .. if it were to come from HIM...Rather than accepting somebody else's ( a fellow human being's at that ) viewpoint- who would tell you so ...
Other people's point of view - however logical...... can't be accepted as THE  final word.

I have read widely ,gone through the literature- which debates this dilemma ...and I am nowhere closer to  a decisive answer..... at best what I could understand is ... the broader horizon of the course is decided by HIM ... one can of course choose the road to the path..

I am going to pray for that DOSSIER, all right !!!